Still not up to speaking to people, or blogging much. Except to say that the major life change I spoke about earlier in the month has happened. The short story is that, I no longer have custody of Baby. I've always been open about the fact that she was not my biological child? I've had her since she was 9 months old, and her mom gave her to me because she was unable to care for her at the time. The agreement was that I would give her back when she was able to be an able parent for her. And I loved her mother enough to agree.
Well, it's been 11 years and that time has come: Baby's mother has had a good job for some years now, is married to a lovely man and they have a good home to offer her. I also know that they love her dearly, and are now able to give a practical demonstration of that love. So, as from last week, she no longer lives with me. I took her to her mom's, and stayed a couple of days to make sure that she settles in. I do have visitation rights. Except, they live out of town, hundreds of kilometres from Johanneburg. So seeing her will not be a matter of driving a couple of blocks to another house.
And while I initiated the process, and I know in the long run what I'm doing is the best thing for her, it's still hard. I was not yet on an even keel because of my mother's illness, and this development makes things worse. Mostly, I don't care about much that is happening around me. I just want to lie down and sleep ( and don't tell me I'm acutely depressed! I know that!). But i'll be fine. I'm doing my best to patch myself up, because the life and work demands carry on regardles of how I feel. And I am determined to get my mojo back. Anyhoo, will be back in Johannesburg tomorrow to try to pick up the threads of my life.