Thursday, November 26, 2009

Major Life Change

Still not up to speaking to people, or blogging much. Except to say that the major life change I spoke about earlier in the month has happened. The short story is that, I no longer have custody of Baby. I've always been open about the fact that she was not my biological child? I've had her since she was 9 months old, and her mom gave her to me because she was unable to care for her at the time. The agreement was that I would give her back when she was able to be an able parent for her. And I loved her mother enough to agree.

Well, it's been 11 years and that time has come: Baby's mother has had a good job for some years now, is married to a lovely man and they have a good home to offer her. I also know that they love her dearly, and are now able to give a practical demonstration of that love. So, as from last week, she no longer lives with me. I took her to her mom's, and stayed a couple of days to make sure that she settles in. I do have visitation rights. Except, they live out of town, hundreds of kilometres from Johanneburg. So seeing her will not be a matter of driving a couple of blocks to another house.

And while I initiated the process, and I know in the long run what I'm doing is the best thing for her, it's still hard. I was not yet on an even keel because of my mother's illness, and this development makes things worse. Mostly, I don't care about much that is happening around me. I just want to lie down and sleep ( and don't tell me I'm acutely depressed! I know that!). But i'll be fine. I'm doing my best to patch myself up, because the life and work demands carry on regardles of how I feel. And I am determined to get my mojo back. Anyhoo, will be back in Johannesburg tomorrow to try to pick up the threads of my life.

8 comments:

Tamara said...

Oh Damaria, what a hard time. I will be praying for you. Sending my biggest hugs.

po said...

I am so sorry to hear that Damaria. That is a huge traumatic change. I really feel for you.

Gaynor said...

You know where I am if you need me my friend.

Damaria Senne said...

thanks po, tamara, gaynor. Knowing I have friends who are there for me helps.

BeckyJoie at Leaders in Learning said...

I'm so sorry, Damaria. It has to be the ost difficult thing. I've had to let two children go. One bio and one not bio. It hurts just as much either way. I will keep you in my prayers. ((e-hugs))

Conors Admin Services said...

Oh Damaria I'm so sorry to hear that. As much as you knew that some day it would happen it never prepares you for the loss you will feel. Take some time to adjust to your feelings and just remember that you are a strong woman and will make your way through this. ((hugs))

Laura said...

Gosh Damaria - I can not begin to imagine how hard this is :(

Even if its the right thing and you knew it was going to happen.

((HUGS))

Natacha said...

O my friend, you must be going through such a terribly time. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

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